This is part of what I've been doing since I've been home:) Details to follow!

Secrets.

We all have them. Many of us have secrets that we’ve never told a soul. Some of us have secrets that only a select few know about. Lately it seems that I’ve been acquiring a lot of… information in my life that I can’t tell anyone, or that I can tell one person, but not another.

With counseling there is a lot that I’m discovering about my personality, relationships, spirituality, etc. that I don’t really feel I can share with anyone… mostly because no one is asking. But also because things are sticky and I’m trying to process them. I wish I had someone besides my counselor to help me process everything, but as it stands I don’t. Or, at least as it currently stands, I’m not allowing myself to have anyone to help me through this.

Do you have a secret you can’t share with anyone?

To some degree I think it’s silly to hide things from those we love. If they really love us, and we really love them shouldn’t we share our hearts? But right now, I’m thinking that sometimes my heart is too fragile to share.

God give me strength. And may You search my heart for anything offensive, know me deeply, do not let me hide or run.

Childhood vs. Adulthood

Oh to be a child.

My 20th birthday was this past weekend. Typically, I hate birthdays... not everyone's, just my own. Past experience has taught me that...
1.) Somebody is bound to get into a fight
2.) My parents will be stressed out by my party because of the fight
3.) I will feel awkward at my own birthday because of fighting or the pressure of making sure everyone is happy.
Amongst many other events that have caused this annual occurrence to be stressful and unhappy.

This year, my birthday was exceptional. Minus the awkward friend date that I had on Friday night, when I realized my "friend" had much more than just friendship in mind. In that case I was angry, upset, and felt violated and I now definitely dislike the male population at the moment. Save for those few wretched hours I truly enjoyed my birthday. Dinners, lunches, and coffee with families and friends that I adore, getting my ears pierced, playing at the mall, random dance parties, playing at Pojo's (an arcade and game center) being with my high school best friend who currently lives in Texas but came to see me for my birthday, receiving lovely phone calls and cards from those that are too far away. It was a good reminder of how much I am loved, and also a reminder of how many people I have to love.

Today, I took two finals. My Bio 100 final and my Psych 310 final. Neither went exceptionally well, I'll pass with a C in Bio and a B in Psych, definitely not ideal. Before the finals I spent the morning studying. After the finals I went to the bank and cashed my paycheck, ate dinner, studied, went to the gym, and then picked up a few groceries at the store.

The differences between my weekend and the week since are striking to me. I'm no longer a little girl. I'm two decades old. And while for many people, the 20s are prime time, I can not help but reminisce over the days gone by. Days of bike rides, clapping games, and slip n' slides. Days of building forts, snowmen, and castles in the sand. Days of endless adventure, play, and fun. I enjoy my life now, but I miss things as they were.

My therapist challenged me last week to do things that make me happy. I'm not so sure how well I've done with his assignment. I enjoyed my birthday very much, so I think that definitely counts. But I've been wanting to build a fort for quite awhile now and still have yet to do this. I wanted to have a snowball fight when there was two inches of snow, but didn't. I'm realizing the things that make me happy are really quite simple. Somehow, I'm going to try and mesh being a child and being an adult, because to live my life well, I want both.

Oh to be a child...
and yet to be an adult.

May we all find joy in whatever age we find ourselves. Knowing that this moment in time, is a good moment.

Come to Jesus

Have you ever heard that phrase, "Come to Jesus meeting." It's an odd concept (to me.) People use that phrase to describe somebody feeling convicted or overcoming a "sin" in their life, or I've even heard it used in a very snide fashion "That person needs to have a 'come to Jesus meeting' with the way they are living their life." Basically... it's a phrase we use to condemn other Christians on their walk.

But when Christ talks about people coming to Him it's "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I don't really know who Christ is. I'm on that journey to discovering God, the real God. Not whatever skewed portrait or version I've been shown up to this point. The real Christ. Give me Jesus.

Friday night I had a meeting with fellow leaders for the college ministry we help run. Our campus minister is very concerned about where we are at spiritually as individuals, which is valid. But the way he is going about is the opposite of gentle. It's the opposite of recognizing we are all individuals with different needs and different struggles. It's the opposite of realizing where our hearts are really at. He wants to lump us all together, convict us, give us things to do so we are better spiritually, and really... that just doesn't jive with me.

Since I began to be open with God about the fact that I'm spiritually dry, I'm not sure why I believe the things I believe, I don't know who He is, and the fact that I really hate all of Christianity's rules, I've been encountering the Christ that beckons me to come to Him as a person who is weary and burdened. There hasn't been condemnation. God doesn't want me to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting as we use the term in today's culture.

Coming to Jesus means coming to a God full of grace, love, compassion, and a desire for us to know Him as He really is.
I'm going to fall at the foot of the cross of that Jesus. And hope for the best. Yeah, I'm going to "Come to Jesus."

Simpleness of Jumping

Tuesday marked my first day in therapy. My counselor is a guy named Matt. He's intense, pushes me, calls me out, and listens really well. And this I know after one session.
I'm going to a counselor.

It's a scary step to take. I've been at the cliff's edge for quite some time now. I can see the bottom, blurry and far down. It's an unknown jump. But I can also see what's behind me... I can see the jungle of a heart that's full of swamps, treacherous wild animals, and poisonous insects that would kill if given too many more chances to bite. I could stay at the edge and just slip by. Or I can walk back into the jungle, continuing painful and cruel habits that only end up in unhappiness. Or. I can jump off the edge into the unknown. An unknown world of healing and moving forward with my life. Cutting the chains that bind me. Forgiving the wounds that have scarred me. Letting the Blood heal me.
I have a friend who tells me that he sees so much potential in me. But he's afraid I'll always be held back by the jungle that I've been in.
I have a Savior who sees me as healed, perfect, and knows a future is there for me... a future He and His Father planned long ago for me.
I'm currently stuck in the middle as I start inching forward, closer to the edge... poised and ready to jump.
The fall is scary, it will hurt, I will scream. I'm so excited for the landing though. Even if I break a few bones when I land, at least I'll be in new territory. It's easy to stay on the edge, easier even to walk back in the jungle, the familiar territory. Yet, it's so simple to jump too. So I'm going to jump. And it's going to be good.

Comments

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Sorry about before :)

New post coming soon! :D

My thought process

To give you an idea of how my brain functions...

I was walking home the other day. I saw a cat and I thought to myself that if I didn't get married I would make a very good crazy cat lady, because I love cats. Then I remembered that I don't like bad smells, and a lot of cats definitely makes for some stinky smells. So I decided I would settle for one cat to be my lifelong companion. At which point I instantly remembered that cats only last for 10-15 years.
So, I then decided I would get married and hope that I get a guy that doesn't smell and will last for longer than 10 years.

With love,
Samamtha

Sweetly Tired

Tonight as I type up this blog post I am at home in my apartment. I'm sipping a mug of green tea (decaf, it is night after all.) No homework is due tomorrow, I have nothing that I NEED to do. It is nice :)

My apartment is in disarray. My books are all over the place. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks, it's messy. And it bothers me, but for tonight I'm going to let it slide, it can be tomorrow's project. (Or, more likely Saturday's.)

My life, is much like my apartment. I have messes, things that haven't been cleaned in weeks, books strewn all over. But today... was the first time in a long time that I was truly okay with that. Messes bother me. Therefore, I've been quite annoying to myself for sometime now. I want my life to be perfect. And as of late, if everything isn't going smoothly (and seriously, when is EVERYTHING going smoothly?!!) I expect everyone to drop everything and take care of me. I expect myself to take care of myself. I become very inward focused. And, it's not healthy. Sometimes, we break down and we need people. I've experienced this three or four times in the past couple of months. Times when I just needed to be told that I was loved, times that I just needed to be held. And I've been so blessed by the times that I was held and was told everything would be okay.

But sometimes... as a mother figure recently told me... sometimes you just have to trudge through. Sometimes we need to put one muddy shoe in front of the other. Sometimes, we just have to scrape by. We don't always live in abundance. Sometimes, often, we can be left wanting. And that's okay. It's okay to have scars on our hearts, it's okay to be messy inside, it's okay to be sad. It's not okay when that incapacitates us from having joy. It's not okay when that incapacitates us to love others. It's not okay when that incapacitates to see anything else but ourselves.

Today. I saw other people. Damaged as I am. And it helped me realize that it isn't always about me. (It's rarely [if ever] about me.) Sometimes when I'm trudging through the mud, there are other people right there with me. And I think, it would be nice to hold hands and trudge through together. I think that would be really nice. And I think, it would be EVER BETTER, if as we held hands, we would recognize Christ trudging through everything with us. Yes, that would be best. And I think it would be good, to sometimes realize that the mess in my apartment, the mess in my soul, is just going to have to wait for awhile. There will be a time to clean up, scrub hard, sanitize, vacuum, dust, but that time isn't always RIGHT NOW. It's book by book, sink by sink, shirt by shirt, shelf by shelf. It takes time.

I'm messy. And I'm really learning right now. I'm back to basics (I often go back to basics) and I like the basics. I really do. I'm young :) and that's good. So good. Christ is good. Christ is perfect. I like Jesus. And wow, I need Him.

In other news. Having two children fall asleep snuggled up next to and on top of you, is one of the sweetest and precious moments of life.

Hmmm yeah :)

Hmm :)

Today is Wednesday, November 4th. And I will be taking my second Psychology exam in 23 minutes. I have not studied for this test. (Okay, lie, I've studied a bit, but really not enough to make it count.) I should be freaking out, stress should be out of control. But I'm okay.

The sun is shining. It's warm. My apartment is warm. The sun is shining. And God is good. These small moments, these small moments of sweetest simplicity are what's really important.

Hmm :)

Coffee and Christ

As I sit in this coffee shop, one foot up on a chair, body on a bench, and textbook in lap (thoroughly ignored) I am tired. Today has been a long day. A day filled with hard conversations, both in person and through email. A day filled with reading about the politically correct university setting that hinders a female’s well-being as she is told all about contraceptives, protection, and the right to explore sexually; neglecting the fact that emotionally it will scar her. It has been a day filled with introspection and trying to figure out where my heart lies in my relationship with people and with Christ.

I am tired.

“The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” –Westminster Confession.

Oh, what does that even mean? I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do. What I want to do these next few months and what I want to do next year. I have desires, dreams, goals… both lofty and unattainable as well as the probable and attainable. As I think about these goals that I have in relation to school, jobs, people, I find myself thinking about what I want to do spiritually.

I’m in a rut. And while I’ve finally acknowledged that and found peace with that recently, I want to now move past the rut. I desire to know the person of Jesus and know Him intimately. I do not want to know facts and statistics about Christ, I want to know Christ. Much how knowing the age, favorite color, and current boyfriend of your friend are all nice facts, there’s so much more to your friend than those simple statistics. There is so much more to Christ, to my Father, to the Holy Spirit. I want to know Him as I know my best friends. I want to enjoy Him… I want to glorify Him. I want to live a holy life in the presence of Christ. I want to live a holy life that honors Christ.

I want to know Christ like I know the taste of my coffee. A white mocha… it is warm and familiar, and yet different with each cup. It’s a pleasant taste, although sometimes bitter depending on the amount of espresso versus the amount of syrup. Everyone makes it with their own spin, it never tastes the exact same. I know that and love my white mochas. I know them on an intimate level. I know which coffee shop makes it sweeter or bitterer. I know which coffee shop I need to ask for it to be extra hot. I know my coffee better than I know my Savior… this does not sit well with my soul.

I’m on a mission. I want to know Christ. Intimately and personally. Without rules, without guidelines, without formulas. Just me and Christ and whoever He places to be part of the growing and learning process. I just want Christ.

I’m tired. But today, I have hope too. Hope that I’ve not had for awhile. I also have a God who loves me and laughs at me that I know my white mochas so well. He is a God I desire to know intimately. The taste of hope on my tongue is an old, familiar taste too. I embrace it today.

Simple Living?

Keeping pace with today's Americans (and other westernized nations) proves to be an exhausting endeavor. Americans are found rushing from one place to the next, doing activity after activity, having conversation after conversation, and overall spreading ones' self entirely too thin. Not to mention the idea of working to the bone to obtain some lofty goal of what it means to live well (whatever that means...)
I'm not so sure that I'm interested in that anymore. It's all just a pace of pretend perfection, and I can't surrender myself to the idea of it anymore.
But what does it mean to live well, live holy, live in a way that honors Christ? And how can one do that and do it within the confines of today's culture? Can we be that person in the montage of a movie, that when everything and everyone is rushing around and past, that one person is standing still? How do we learn to breathe and be still while still being productive members of God's Kingdom? How do we do life and spend our time in godly ways?
The rat race has killed me. I need Jesus, his sweet, slow timing and healing blood, to bring me back to life. And I have a feeling that it could look much different than what I am used to.

Psalm 37:7a "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." Hmm... :)