Sweetly Tired

Tonight as I type up this blog post I am at home in my apartment. I'm sipping a mug of green tea (decaf, it is night after all.) No homework is due tomorrow, I have nothing that I NEED to do. It is nice :)

My apartment is in disarray. My books are all over the place. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks, it's messy. And it bothers me, but for tonight I'm going to let it slide, it can be tomorrow's project. (Or, more likely Saturday's.)

My life, is much like my apartment. I have messes, things that haven't been cleaned in weeks, books strewn all over. But today... was the first time in a long time that I was truly okay with that. Messes bother me. Therefore, I've been quite annoying to myself for sometime now. I want my life to be perfect. And as of late, if everything isn't going smoothly (and seriously, when is EVERYTHING going smoothly?!!) I expect everyone to drop everything and take care of me. I expect myself to take care of myself. I become very inward focused. And, it's not healthy. Sometimes, we break down and we need people. I've experienced this three or four times in the past couple of months. Times when I just needed to be told that I was loved, times that I just needed to be held. And I've been so blessed by the times that I was held and was told everything would be okay.

But sometimes... as a mother figure recently told me... sometimes you just have to trudge through. Sometimes we need to put one muddy shoe in front of the other. Sometimes, we just have to scrape by. We don't always live in abundance. Sometimes, often, we can be left wanting. And that's okay. It's okay to have scars on our hearts, it's okay to be messy inside, it's okay to be sad. It's not okay when that incapacitates us from having joy. It's not okay when that incapacitates us to love others. It's not okay when that incapacitates to see anything else but ourselves.

Today. I saw other people. Damaged as I am. And it helped me realize that it isn't always about me. (It's rarely [if ever] about me.) Sometimes when I'm trudging through the mud, there are other people right there with me. And I think, it would be nice to hold hands and trudge through together. I think that would be really nice. And I think, it would be EVER BETTER, if as we held hands, we would recognize Christ trudging through everything with us. Yes, that would be best. And I think it would be good, to sometimes realize that the mess in my apartment, the mess in my soul, is just going to have to wait for awhile. There will be a time to clean up, scrub hard, sanitize, vacuum, dust, but that time isn't always RIGHT NOW. It's book by book, sink by sink, shirt by shirt, shelf by shelf. It takes time.

I'm messy. And I'm really learning right now. I'm back to basics (I often go back to basics) and I like the basics. I really do. I'm young :) and that's good. So good. Christ is good. Christ is perfect. I like Jesus. And wow, I need Him.

In other news. Having two children fall asleep snuggled up next to and on top of you, is one of the sweetest and precious moments of life.

Hmmm yeah :)