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Sorry about before :)

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My thought process

To give you an idea of how my brain functions...

I was walking home the other day. I saw a cat and I thought to myself that if I didn't get married I would make a very good crazy cat lady, because I love cats. Then I remembered that I don't like bad smells, and a lot of cats definitely makes for some stinky smells. So I decided I would settle for one cat to be my lifelong companion. At which point I instantly remembered that cats only last for 10-15 years.
So, I then decided I would get married and hope that I get a guy that doesn't smell and will last for longer than 10 years.

With love,
Samamtha

Sweetly Tired

Tonight as I type up this blog post I am at home in my apartment. I'm sipping a mug of green tea (decaf, it is night after all.) No homework is due tomorrow, I have nothing that I NEED to do. It is nice :)

My apartment is in disarray. My books are all over the place. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks, it's messy. And it bothers me, but for tonight I'm going to let it slide, it can be tomorrow's project. (Or, more likely Saturday's.)

My life, is much like my apartment. I have messes, things that haven't been cleaned in weeks, books strewn all over. But today... was the first time in a long time that I was truly okay with that. Messes bother me. Therefore, I've been quite annoying to myself for sometime now. I want my life to be perfect. And as of late, if everything isn't going smoothly (and seriously, when is EVERYTHING going smoothly?!!) I expect everyone to drop everything and take care of me. I expect myself to take care of myself. I become very inward focused. And, it's not healthy. Sometimes, we break down and we need people. I've experienced this three or four times in the past couple of months. Times when I just needed to be told that I was loved, times that I just needed to be held. And I've been so blessed by the times that I was held and was told everything would be okay.

But sometimes... as a mother figure recently told me... sometimes you just have to trudge through. Sometimes we need to put one muddy shoe in front of the other. Sometimes, we just have to scrape by. We don't always live in abundance. Sometimes, often, we can be left wanting. And that's okay. It's okay to have scars on our hearts, it's okay to be messy inside, it's okay to be sad. It's not okay when that incapacitates us from having joy. It's not okay when that incapacitates us to love others. It's not okay when that incapacitates to see anything else but ourselves.

Today. I saw other people. Damaged as I am. And it helped me realize that it isn't always about me. (It's rarely [if ever] about me.) Sometimes when I'm trudging through the mud, there are other people right there with me. And I think, it would be nice to hold hands and trudge through together. I think that would be really nice. And I think, it would be EVER BETTER, if as we held hands, we would recognize Christ trudging through everything with us. Yes, that would be best. And I think it would be good, to sometimes realize that the mess in my apartment, the mess in my soul, is just going to have to wait for awhile. There will be a time to clean up, scrub hard, sanitize, vacuum, dust, but that time isn't always RIGHT NOW. It's book by book, sink by sink, shirt by shirt, shelf by shelf. It takes time.

I'm messy. And I'm really learning right now. I'm back to basics (I often go back to basics) and I like the basics. I really do. I'm young :) and that's good. So good. Christ is good. Christ is perfect. I like Jesus. And wow, I need Him.

In other news. Having two children fall asleep snuggled up next to and on top of you, is one of the sweetest and precious moments of life.

Hmmm yeah :)

Hmm :)

Today is Wednesday, November 4th. And I will be taking my second Psychology exam in 23 minutes. I have not studied for this test. (Okay, lie, I've studied a bit, but really not enough to make it count.) I should be freaking out, stress should be out of control. But I'm okay.

The sun is shining. It's warm. My apartment is warm. The sun is shining. And God is good. These small moments, these small moments of sweetest simplicity are what's really important.

Hmm :)

Coffee and Christ

As I sit in this coffee shop, one foot up on a chair, body on a bench, and textbook in lap (thoroughly ignored) I am tired. Today has been a long day. A day filled with hard conversations, both in person and through email. A day filled with reading about the politically correct university setting that hinders a female’s well-being as she is told all about contraceptives, protection, and the right to explore sexually; neglecting the fact that emotionally it will scar her. It has been a day filled with introspection and trying to figure out where my heart lies in my relationship with people and with Christ.

I am tired.

“The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” –Westminster Confession.

Oh, what does that even mean? I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do. What I want to do these next few months and what I want to do next year. I have desires, dreams, goals… both lofty and unattainable as well as the probable and attainable. As I think about these goals that I have in relation to school, jobs, people, I find myself thinking about what I want to do spiritually.

I’m in a rut. And while I’ve finally acknowledged that and found peace with that recently, I want to now move past the rut. I desire to know the person of Jesus and know Him intimately. I do not want to know facts and statistics about Christ, I want to know Christ. Much how knowing the age, favorite color, and current boyfriend of your friend are all nice facts, there’s so much more to your friend than those simple statistics. There is so much more to Christ, to my Father, to the Holy Spirit. I want to know Him as I know my best friends. I want to enjoy Him… I want to glorify Him. I want to live a holy life in the presence of Christ. I want to live a holy life that honors Christ.

I want to know Christ like I know the taste of my coffee. A white mocha… it is warm and familiar, and yet different with each cup. It’s a pleasant taste, although sometimes bitter depending on the amount of espresso versus the amount of syrup. Everyone makes it with their own spin, it never tastes the exact same. I know that and love my white mochas. I know them on an intimate level. I know which coffee shop makes it sweeter or bitterer. I know which coffee shop I need to ask for it to be extra hot. I know my coffee better than I know my Savior… this does not sit well with my soul.

I’m on a mission. I want to know Christ. Intimately and personally. Without rules, without guidelines, without formulas. Just me and Christ and whoever He places to be part of the growing and learning process. I just want Christ.

I’m tired. But today, I have hope too. Hope that I’ve not had for awhile. I also have a God who loves me and laughs at me that I know my white mochas so well. He is a God I desire to know intimately. The taste of hope on my tongue is an old, familiar taste too. I embrace it today.