This is part of what I've been doing since I've been home:) Details to follow!

Secrets.

We all have them. Many of us have secrets that we’ve never told a soul. Some of us have secrets that only a select few know about. Lately it seems that I’ve been acquiring a lot of… information in my life that I can’t tell anyone, or that I can tell one person, but not another.

With counseling there is a lot that I’m discovering about my personality, relationships, spirituality, etc. that I don’t really feel I can share with anyone… mostly because no one is asking. But also because things are sticky and I’m trying to process them. I wish I had someone besides my counselor to help me process everything, but as it stands I don’t. Or, at least as it currently stands, I’m not allowing myself to have anyone to help me through this.

Do you have a secret you can’t share with anyone?

To some degree I think it’s silly to hide things from those we love. If they really love us, and we really love them shouldn’t we share our hearts? But right now, I’m thinking that sometimes my heart is too fragile to share.

God give me strength. And may You search my heart for anything offensive, know me deeply, do not let me hide or run.

Childhood vs. Adulthood

Oh to be a child.

My 20th birthday was this past weekend. Typically, I hate birthdays... not everyone's, just my own. Past experience has taught me that...
1.) Somebody is bound to get into a fight
2.) My parents will be stressed out by my party because of the fight
3.) I will feel awkward at my own birthday because of fighting or the pressure of making sure everyone is happy.
Amongst many other events that have caused this annual occurrence to be stressful and unhappy.

This year, my birthday was exceptional. Minus the awkward friend date that I had on Friday night, when I realized my "friend" had much more than just friendship in mind. In that case I was angry, upset, and felt violated and I now definitely dislike the male population at the moment. Save for those few wretched hours I truly enjoyed my birthday. Dinners, lunches, and coffee with families and friends that I adore, getting my ears pierced, playing at the mall, random dance parties, playing at Pojo's (an arcade and game center) being with my high school best friend who currently lives in Texas but came to see me for my birthday, receiving lovely phone calls and cards from those that are too far away. It was a good reminder of how much I am loved, and also a reminder of how many people I have to love.

Today, I took two finals. My Bio 100 final and my Psych 310 final. Neither went exceptionally well, I'll pass with a C in Bio and a B in Psych, definitely not ideal. Before the finals I spent the morning studying. After the finals I went to the bank and cashed my paycheck, ate dinner, studied, went to the gym, and then picked up a few groceries at the store.

The differences between my weekend and the week since are striking to me. I'm no longer a little girl. I'm two decades old. And while for many people, the 20s are prime time, I can not help but reminisce over the days gone by. Days of bike rides, clapping games, and slip n' slides. Days of building forts, snowmen, and castles in the sand. Days of endless adventure, play, and fun. I enjoy my life now, but I miss things as they were.

My therapist challenged me last week to do things that make me happy. I'm not so sure how well I've done with his assignment. I enjoyed my birthday very much, so I think that definitely counts. But I've been wanting to build a fort for quite awhile now and still have yet to do this. I wanted to have a snowball fight when there was two inches of snow, but didn't. I'm realizing the things that make me happy are really quite simple. Somehow, I'm going to try and mesh being a child and being an adult, because to live my life well, I want both.

Oh to be a child...
and yet to be an adult.

May we all find joy in whatever age we find ourselves. Knowing that this moment in time, is a good moment.

Come to Jesus

Have you ever heard that phrase, "Come to Jesus meeting." It's an odd concept (to me.) People use that phrase to describe somebody feeling convicted or overcoming a "sin" in their life, or I've even heard it used in a very snide fashion "That person needs to have a 'come to Jesus meeting' with the way they are living their life." Basically... it's a phrase we use to condemn other Christians on their walk.

But when Christ talks about people coming to Him it's "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I don't really know who Christ is. I'm on that journey to discovering God, the real God. Not whatever skewed portrait or version I've been shown up to this point. The real Christ. Give me Jesus.

Friday night I had a meeting with fellow leaders for the college ministry we help run. Our campus minister is very concerned about where we are at spiritually as individuals, which is valid. But the way he is going about is the opposite of gentle. It's the opposite of recognizing we are all individuals with different needs and different struggles. It's the opposite of realizing where our hearts are really at. He wants to lump us all together, convict us, give us things to do so we are better spiritually, and really... that just doesn't jive with me.

Since I began to be open with God about the fact that I'm spiritually dry, I'm not sure why I believe the things I believe, I don't know who He is, and the fact that I really hate all of Christianity's rules, I've been encountering the Christ that beckons me to come to Him as a person who is weary and burdened. There hasn't been condemnation. God doesn't want me to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting as we use the term in today's culture.

Coming to Jesus means coming to a God full of grace, love, compassion, and a desire for us to know Him as He really is.
I'm going to fall at the foot of the cross of that Jesus. And hope for the best. Yeah, I'm going to "Come to Jesus."

Simpleness of Jumping

Tuesday marked my first day in therapy. My counselor is a guy named Matt. He's intense, pushes me, calls me out, and listens really well. And this I know after one session.
I'm going to a counselor.

It's a scary step to take. I've been at the cliff's edge for quite some time now. I can see the bottom, blurry and far down. It's an unknown jump. But I can also see what's behind me... I can see the jungle of a heart that's full of swamps, treacherous wild animals, and poisonous insects that would kill if given too many more chances to bite. I could stay at the edge and just slip by. Or I can walk back into the jungle, continuing painful and cruel habits that only end up in unhappiness. Or. I can jump off the edge into the unknown. An unknown world of healing and moving forward with my life. Cutting the chains that bind me. Forgiving the wounds that have scarred me. Letting the Blood heal me.
I have a friend who tells me that he sees so much potential in me. But he's afraid I'll always be held back by the jungle that I've been in.
I have a Savior who sees me as healed, perfect, and knows a future is there for me... a future He and His Father planned long ago for me.
I'm currently stuck in the middle as I start inching forward, closer to the edge... poised and ready to jump.
The fall is scary, it will hurt, I will scream. I'm so excited for the landing though. Even if I break a few bones when I land, at least I'll be in new territory. It's easy to stay on the edge, easier even to walk back in the jungle, the familiar territory. Yet, it's so simple to jump too. So I'm going to jump. And it's going to be good.